My spiritual life has been somewhat of an oxymoron.
I have always had a huge desire and passion to embrace the anticipation of sacred waiting–to remain pure until I was brought together by the grace of God in marriage with my life partner. While purity and sacred waiting are deliberate instructions to Christ-followers in the Bible, these things have always been more than a command to me. Over the course of my young life these things became a burning desire. I had a tremendous amount of trust in God that if I remained faithful he would give me the desires of my heart–and I desired to experience his passionate love within a marriage relationship that was truly blessed by Him.
I also desired this marriage relationship to begin right out of college. It was almost like I had convinced myself that if I wait now, I won’t have to wait later. So when God brought me a great Christian guy at the beginning of my college career, I was more than thrilled. “Thanks God, I’ll take it from here!” seemed to be my response to Him. All of my spiritual dependence disappeared.
While since then I’ve continued to embrace my “purity” throughout my spiritual independence, it appears that I’ve tossed aside the desire to wait on God, to be patient, to seek out his will and in his timing, to genuinely practice what I refer to as “sacred waiting.” As I take a step back and reflect on this transition in my life from becoming spiritually dependent to spiritually independent (very much an oxymoron) it all makes sense now. My severe perfectionism that mysteriously came out of thin air my first year of college completely makes sense to me now. I took over control. And controlling I became.
I know it’s not always good to continue looking back at the past. And I promise not to dwell in it. But God is continuing to reveal these sins in my past that I need to confront him with in order to move forward. This revival thing is certainly a process. But getting down to the roots of these sins and unrooting them from the very core are necessary for complete surrender.
What I’m trying to say is this: I’m not in control anymore. Was I every in control? I’m not really sure. But today, I’m trusting God in a way that I never have before.
The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. [Proverbs 16:9]